My wife told me she had been saving for my funeral.
We were in the car just chatting generally when my wife very casually mentioned that she had enough set aside for my grave. I know my health has been problematic but I had not arrived at the ultimate conclusion that my booking at hotel Earth was coming to its natural end!
At my heaviest, my weight was 36 stones, ( 228kg 522lbs)
but since I successfully received bariatric surgery in 2013 my weight almost halved. My heart issues subsided considerably with SVT attacks becoming reduced. However, it is true to say that once the party was over with the food, my crazy addict brain gravitated over toward drugs and alcohol. For the following 8 years I gradually fell deeper and deeper into personal mismanagement. In the end I was a walking talking angry black cloud heading quickly towards my own demise. I was completely unaware of the world I was creating for my wife.
By the end of 2018 I was a serious danger to myself. I was on a constant cocktail of opiates, alcohol and cannabis. Also, I was drink driving regularly, spending money like it couldn’t run out and had become violent at worst and aggressive at best. Another issue was I was getting myself into altercations in the street all the time. I had become the village idiot. more importantly, I had absolutely no comprehension that what I was doing health-wise was dangerous. Then one day I was out and about in a rare sober moment, turned a corner and was attacked. I didn’t see it coming. Someone I had threatened the night before spotted me and got me before I could get them. This was a serious wake up call. I could no longer maintain my own security. For myself or my wife. Something had to change.
I joined a local 12 step support group and admitted my life had become unmanageable. Over the course of the last 22 months since I did that I have gone through a psychological and physical rollercoaster. I developed pains all over my body and my mental health deteriorated as my brain rebalanced chemicals. Detox hasn’t been easy or pretty. I have believed many times that something serious was happening! The headaches had me wondering if I was developing a stroke or a tumour, the chest pains had me focused on heart attacks, pains in my lower back and sides had me believing I had kidney failure. Constant dizzy spells had me thinking high blood pressure! I complained all the way but had never really connected the dots to the point of expecting my death. But my wife did.
My wife’s world
My wife had been living in a world where all the signs were suggesting to her she was losing her soul mate. She stayed cheerful, remained encouraging and tended my every need despite my attitude and complaints. My wife never complained about doing all the house maintenance such as cooking and cleaning. She kept washing my clothes and managed our finances. All the time she was secretly expecting my death. When she commented in the car about funeral costs it was a wake-up call. I suddenly realised how my presence was effecting her. It broke my heart. She didn’t deserve to live in such a dark world. Her life was a living nightmare and I hadn’t seen it. I was so wrapped up in myself.
Today I am aware that my attitude is important. The words I use, the things I notice, the actions I perform all create a picture in my wife’s mind. That picture is in my control. I can choose to focus positively about the future, I can choose to keep my small physical gripes to myself, I can choose to be cheerful and create fun. I can either choose to be a picture of hope or a picture of tragedy. Today I choose to feed myself properly, exercise daily, create fun events and talk hopefully about the future. I celebrate life at every opportunity and design life nicely for her. Her smile is my reward. I do this because my wife has been through enough.
Today I will suggest the money she sets aside should be for our next holiday!
I wrote and produced a special song for my beautiful amazing wife. The name of this song is “Yellow brick road”