My Weird Hobby; Naked tree climbing

hobby climbing trees naked

When I was in puberty I developed a strange hobby that involved an urge to climb trees naked.

Well after mid night I would slip out, walk down to the side of the local farm and then get my kit off next to the big old oak tree. I do remember discovering a few issues during my naked tree climbing hobby therefore I am in a good position to advise on this matter. .

I’m going to list them…. for anyone that may be interested in trying this hobby….

Leave your shoes on developing this hobby. Sharp parts hurt your feet. My tree did have nails put in by kids to help the climbing process however I do remember limping for a week after my first outing. I really should have seen that one coming!
Expect surprised birds. I nearly fell out of the tree when a frightened crow took off from its nest past my head.
Dont whistle any jolly tunes because dog walkers will talk about you if they see you in the tree. It is no fun explaining this hobby to those who could never understand it.
Once you reach the top of the tree you may find a comfortable spot to sit and then proceed to deep breathly while looking up at the stars thus creating a great experience. Your senses will be filled with an amazing feeling of freedom however, do not fall asleep. Explaining your hobby to paramedics and a dog walker is no fun.
Dont introduce your new found liberating activity to friends as You are very likely to lose them and never get invited to anything ever again. The PTSD that emerges later from constant rejection can poison your entire life moreover, You begin to hate trees!
Dont leave your clothing in the field because cows are very inquisitive and it is no fun trying move a herd of cows while naked, trying to retrieve your undies! Learn how to do a dog bark. It helps a lot in this situation.
Another good reason to leave your shoes on is because cow manure is squiggy and smells. You are very likely to find a cow pack in the dark if you forget where you put your clothes. Its soooo annoying when this happens trying to move cows. Its the very last thing you need during this fun hobby.
Dont take any selfies up there because you can very easily end up getting blackmailed later by nosey x partners who sneak a look through your phone and find the pics of your embarrassing hobby. It can get very costly.
Make a clear note of all the branches you used to scale the tree. If you do not then you can get stuck going back down. You really do not want to make that emergency call to the fire department.

IMPORTANT….

be very aware of dead branches off the main trunk. They tend to be quite short and sharp at times. They appear when you least expect them. If you do not take this advice YOU WILL LIKELY INJURE YOUR GENETALIA (Girls especially watch out for those boobs).

Legal disclaimer.

I do not encourage, endorse or support naked tree climbing as a hobby in any way whatsoever. I do advise strongly against trying it. It can wreck your life, prove very costly, leave you with PTSD, no girlfirends/boyfriends and dog walkers giggle every time they see you.

But …..

I never felt so free as I did up in that big old oak in the middle of the night! And its a very cheap hobby to do if you respect all the pit falls. I hope I dont start a new craze!